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You know, every single day I am struck by the beauty of Christ. And I never see it coming. I just can't get over it. God is the most beautiful thing that has ever been. And every day Im human and broken and sinful and he draws me close. And reveals to me great and unsearchable things I don't deserve. Things that are beyond me-mentally, physically, emotionally. And I doubt Him-I always have this fear that our time will be stale, unfruitful, I have this ridiculous fear that I will run out of things to learn but there is so much God here.
Today I was struck by this notion of downward mobility. And I've been familiar with this concept for quite sometime. But thats the thing about HIm-this is so much more depth, so much more to love and light and the cross that we will experience it anew for the entire course of our lives. These deep holy things will never be understood by us in fullness. And this idea of downward is so rich-it is maybe the most magical and terrible thing I've encountered. Magical because it is so utterly Jesus and terrible, horrifying because it is most certainly not me. My heart will be fighting upward, will be yearning for ascension for the entire span of my life. And so many times, when I think I'm moving downward its just upward in a different way. I don't want to be brought low or made nothing. I really don't. And even as I talk about what I want to do, I don't ever mention in casual conversation that I'm striving to be made poor, to be made nothing. We want it all. So we find these delightful compromises like being the best at scripture, or making significant differences in peoples lives, or helping people. this desperate need to be used by God but really I'm still just trying to keep a chunk of glory for myself. I compete within the realm of christianity, I need to be told of my spiritual maturity and praised by people. The servant leader is being led to unknown, undesirable painful places (Nouwen.) Everything in me, in this world, is yearning after upward mobility. The greatest temptation, the heart of sin is the desire to replace love with power. It traces to Genesis-forsake God's love to seek your power, to choose control over the cross, to choose leadership over being led. We trace it through the bible, through history, through ourselves. Down is dangerous. There is nothing safe or comforting or lovely about it. Except that Jesus went down. And maybe the more down, the more Jesus. And the disciples wanted to be positioned near christ because they saw the ultimate glory. And in that they were right, it is the ultimate glory. But that doesnt mean be taken to sit at the right hand of God, because Jesus didn't stay there. The one, the only one who ever had a right to be with God, who was in fact God and perfect, left that perfection. Being positioned near christ takes you to the cross before it takes you to heaven. It takes us down. What a lover we have stumbled upon.