I think maybe God would like me to spend more of my time with Him. In fact I'm quite convinced. I love Him so much and the more I love Him the more I love other people. I just go crazy for them. The veterans I worked with yesterday. My suite-mates. My family. Random people I'll never even meet.
My heart aches today. Its aching for my young life leader Libby. Its aching for the darkness of my own heart. Its mostly aching just to know Jesus more. I was thinking today about how I'm not really comfortable telling people Jesus is it and that I am way more likely to talk about so many other things but what that really boils down to is that either I believe that Jesus is it or not. Whether I believe that all life is found in Christ and that God died and his dying changed everything and whether I believe Jesus is the one thing that is right for every soul on the planet. Because if I really believe that I will live and I will love and all my interactions will point to that truth in my soul. And so I'm working on that because I do believe it but life does not scream that truth. I still seek greatness. I do. Every day. But my prayer is becoming for God to make me less and less great in order for Him to be more and more great.
I spend and awful lot of time scheduling and planning and trying to figure out where m life is headed but I think maybe I need to put all that time into saying "Well God, here I am. Here is all of me. Its yours. Do something lovely through me. I trust that you will do something bigger than I could have ever even dreamed. I am here to make much of you.
And I really believe He is shaping in me this vision of going with the gospel. My life is sort of summed up in this story my dear friend Jessie told me today. An amazing woman started this project rescuing girls from sex trafficking and she was speaking with one of the rescued girls and talking to her about how incredible our God is, but the girl just looked at her and said:
If your God is so good, why didn't you come sooner?
She is so right. And I thought well there is life. Going but not just going to feed people or educate or empower them though that is all part of it. Also not just going to talk about Jesus. Becasue God did both. He came down to are humanness and dwelled with us in the humblest way possible and He is our example. To go and dwell and meet peoples human needs and offer them life. The only life.
My pastor today also talked about how spiritual maturity is understanding that Jesus is enough. That being single all your life is extremely difficult but that jesus is enough. That being married is unbelievably hard and will not be romantic and lovely forever and will expose you to so much darkness in yourself but jesus is enough. That when we are starving Jesus is enough. That when we have so much that we forget how to appreciate any of it Jesus is enough. Than God is good and that God offers us goodness but only, again only, in Himself. Everything else we fall for will leave us looking to Him aching and sore, angry at Him, while he he knew all along that it was never good for us simply because it wasn't at all Himself.
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