Today is one of those days where I had this really big to do list of working out and studying and being busy and having a date with Jesus and then God was like "Nope. Not what you are going to do at all. I've got something better in mind." And so I wander into a coffee shop with no intention of getting coffee and see two girls from my bible study and just sat and shared life with them. And we went deep and we talked about how we're all in love with the same guy. And I just don't even have words for that little pocket of unexpected beauty in my life. This is what life looks like. Don't get nervous to go deep with people. I like to ask people what they're about, what their passion is, and most people don't even know. And I too would be caught  off guard if someone asked me what I was living for. But lets go there. Lets ask. Because why skim around on the surface, where everything is safe and comfortable and talk about majors and weather and homework when hearts are aching for more?

Someone very close to me asked me how my day was and I said "little bit sad, little bit beautiful." And he wanted to know why I was sad. And this sadness, which I always think of as godly sorrow, has been a huge part of knowing Christ since I've been here. Its sadness of the soul. It's sadness of seeing all this sin in myself and that I don't feel like loving people. Seriously I just don't. Because its really hard and I'm still all about myself. And its the sadness of being human and that being human means being apart from God. Sometimes I just want to be with God. And its sad to realize all these things that were good and important really aren't at all. A lot gets stripped away in knowing Christ. Life goes deeper. So sorrow is deep and joy is deep. And comfort comes with sorrow. It is sorrowful to realize I cannot just be super busy and never think about what's going on in my heart and in this world and the spiritual warfare and the day to day feeling purposeless. I love being busy. I'm going to bring this up a lot because its a constant struggle for me.
      And I love serving. But its serving to serve, its not serving to love God. Because serving is really easy because you just love on people and you think wow how great of me to love on people for an hour and make their day better and now that I've done some serving I can just revel in how great I am. Subconsciously thats what goes on in my heart. I believe in serving people, and I do not discount it but the service that is easy and fulfilling is probably not what the Lord is calling me to. Because it should be heart wrenching. It should be loving people with my life. And just as God calls us into all consuming relationship with him, he calls us into this sort of loving. Life on life loving. Not get my own satisfaction serving.

But the little bit beautiful part is better and bigger. Its just beautiful to live in Jesus. And to be in the disciple stage where He asks us just to  learn Him, not to do anything but to watch how he loves people and to be like Him and just kind of follow him around wherever he goes and make mistakes and stumble. And then one day he's walking on the water and he invites us to dance, eyes twinkling, drawing us out. And we do it. We actually step out. And  maybe its pure exhilaration and sheer beauty and rightness of the heart. And we could stay there forever-but then we remember we're on the water and we start to sink. And he draws us into Himself and allows us back onto the boat apart from him, whispering that the dance could have gone on..that he will wait until were ready again..he'll wait years for a 30 second dance. Thats just the God he is.