I'm starting to get to the boulders in my soul. We've removed some of the top layers of sin and I am finding my worth in you. There is no question that you are working miracles in my soul. But we've reached a really tough point, Lord. You want my life and I thought I gave it to you a long time ago. But there is a lot I have yet to relinquish. God, you are undeniably the love of my life, yet I rarely introduce people to you. Yes you are in me and you are loving your people through me. You are doing more work in me and through me than I will ever grasp. But God I've been really resistant to the gospel. The gospel that you've asked me to proclaim. You are it and Jesus is it. I'm just not living like salvation is that urgent, that eternity is really at stake. I can't help but realize God, that my heart would ache a whole lot more for the people in my school who don't know you deeply. I can't help but think how often and how fervent I would be in prayer. I can't help but wonder who I would spend my time with.
I have not been rejected once since I've been here. I have not been bold because this extremely exclusive gospel is so uncomfortable. Christians and non Christians alike son't want to deal with this. I don't want to wrestle with the fact that the vast majority of people alive right now, billions of people, don't know you and Jesus and that the only chance they have of knowing is proclamation by the people who do know you. God when I was in church today, when I said in my heart, "Here am I send me" i knew it would fade. I knew the fire of passion and the conviction and the call would burn down. What tragedy. And its true. The passion of any mission trip or event or service or interaction with you will fade into oblivion unless we fight to keep it alive. And I don't even want to because it sucks to realize that I'm here to be weird and to tell people that he died and they are forgiven. Yes I believe its true but I don't want that commission. I want someone else to take it so I can live my life, and love you safely and happily, and do something the world can appreciate, and be affirmed by both you and the world.
God my heart is yours and you have changed me. You are true and I naturally suppress the truth. You are right and I go after what is wrong. You offer me everything and I turn to anything else. I was created self centered, vain, aching, depraved and yet YET you came crashing in. You were willing to write salvation on my heart day after day and even now I am still only beginning to dive into it. I love you. My heart, naturally, wanted everything but you and it has been transformed to love you more than anything else. I was enslaved to myself and I have found freedom in binding myself to you. When I consider what you have done in me, I have hope, because you undeniably did the impossible. And you are faithful to me and will continue to do the impossible. Where my heart is still a heart of stone you will breathe life and I will be given a heart of flesh. Change my heart God, tear out these deep boulders in my soul, free me to sweet abandon of letting go of the world that I still seek love from. And furthermore, if the gospel could change me, it can change anyone. Do not ever let me write a single person off as too far gone, to much of a god hater because you moved my heart-you did not write me off, nor did the people who shared the gospel with me. You are strong. The gospel is strong. Your love is strong. Stronger than my doubts, stronger than my godless desires, stronger than this world. Its all you love.
No comments:
Post a Comment