Yesterday we took a trip up to the mountains to Baptist Haiti Mission which is a huge operation that has its administrative headquarters in one of the most beautiful parts of Haiti, toured their site and learned about all that they do and got to spend time with team of women from Jasper, Indiana and 6 girls in the orphanage their church sponsors. It was a hard day, because we had to spend so much time driving just to tour a place but we learned a lot. Today we were able to be back at Repatriate and paint the school, this time kids were there because it is their first day back from break.
Its interesting how work is so much more restful than going on day trips. How I feel so much more at peace as I sit here clean after a full, rich day and even the painting itself is restful. I love to see the work that I am doing so tangibly. I love the simplicity of it, as we watch the building transform from a giant slab of concrete to a beautiful, joyful shade of yellow and know that it matters because there are 30 or so beautiful little kids there who so deserve a beautiful school. And part of that is good because we were all made to work. When we don’t work, were not in a healthy place. But its also disconcerting how selfish I am about wanting my work, my satisfaction, my feeling of significance more than I want to allow others to work and care more about feeling used than whether the work that I am doing is actually the best thing for the people I am serving, whether I am truly serving them or just serving my selfish heart.
And I can ask those questions knowing that I will see a lot in myself that is disconcerting, a lot that is self centered in my “serving” and how much and how often my ways may look like the ways of the Pharisees that Christ was so adamantly against. And I have to ask why I am clinging to working while in Haiti when I know that I came here for relationships not for work. And why I am not as happy with God if he does not provide me with the work I desire. And whether I would sacrifice my own opportunities to work to allow others who have far less work than I do or who the lord may want to use to have the opportunities God wants for them.
And I am unbelievably thankful that my life is not my own, because I know that I will use it to advance myself even in the most humanitarian of my efforts. I am not the first to wonder why poverty is so rampart and suffering so widespread when there are so many charities, so many people eager to help and to change the world, so many nonprofits. I don’’t know anywhere that exemplifies it better than Haiti. So much money, so many hands coming to help, so many organizations all dedicated to this country and the poverty is so widespread. The more we help the worse it gets, according to many. How can that be? And then I see my own heart, and it is clear. I want to be the one who helps Haiti more than I want Haiti to no longer need my help. I want quick, satisfying ways of helping and serving.
Pastor Leon came to me last night and told me to pray for God to raise up a couple or a woman who would come and be a housemother to 6 girls in the orphanage connected with the ministry. And it is such a beautiful thing, but its hard. Because if you are coming to be a mother, this isn’t a summer experience, this isn’t the Peace Corps where your commitment can be up in 2 years or less, you’re coming to a group of girls without parents-you’re coming to stay. To say, “I’m here to be a part of your life for as long as I live.” I’m going to leave the U.S., leave my family, leave my comforts, the place I love living and come and live where its hot and buggy and where I don’t know anyone and stay until you are ready to leave. And its not saying, I’m going to pull you out of your country and take you to mine, its saying, I am going to come into your neighborhood, into your culture, into your people, because I want to see you be a leader here, I want to raise you up to be a disciple, and to love on girls yourself and to be the change. It would change the country if people came long term and came to live in the midst of the poverty, not in the beautiful secluded parts of the country. But how many people want to give that much? Very few. We can convince few, myself included, to give the 1200 dollars they are spending to come here for a week to child sponsorships and pastors salaries, to teachers or supplies or long term missionaries. Because we want what we want, and because we want something that has to do with Haiti, it is immediately virtuous, even if it is more harmful than helpful.
And I cant help but remember a baby born a little over 2 thousand years ago who came to serve, not to be served, who had to let go of his family, who gave his life as a ransom for many. A God who was the ultimate example of downward mobility. Who gave up oneness with the father, perfection we cannot imagine, and put on flesh to become human. And I think of how hard it is to choose to live long term in another country and realize that I will never grasp the weight of that move down. That the richest person in the U.S. moving into a tent city on the outskirts of one of the most dangerous slums in Haiti to be with the people and know them and make them his own would not compare to the step down taken by Christ when he came to earth. And that the pain my parents would feel if I chose to stay here forever would not compare to the heart breaking God went through in giving his one and only Son. And I am overwhelmed by the love of God for us. And realize that it is only that love that I can point to as I go through life, not to the goodness I can do with my life or the help I can offer people. What I, in myself, can offer is nothing to the offer that God has already made. It is better, he is better. And as I am trained to be a leader, trained to serve, equipped to “make a difference” through the huge blessings of my school, I can’t help but realize that the more I serve, the more I dig into inner city America and Haiti the more I will learn that God alone is worth following, worth living, worth offering to all people.
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