tax collectors prayer

Dear Love,

I still am harvesting that longing to control my life. I am still keeping some of my life for myself though I know you have something far more lovely in store for me. I am resisting the quiet urge to a better, more thoughtful, slower way of living. The image that comes into my mind is you offering my hand in a dance and me resisting, saying, "not now, Jesus. I have too much to do. Don't you see what I am doing for you? I am loving people for you. I'm doing all this stuff for you and its really really important." But maybe you know that you have asked me only to dance. Maybe by getting lost in your love is how your kingdom will come to earth. Maybe its time to let go of all these missions I am clinging to and cling to you. Just you. When you came, Jesus, I know that your entire focus was on God and his will...

(pause, this is directed more to the reader than directly to God)

As I was writing this I was temporarily interrupted which is unique because it broke my thought flood and forced me to really look at what I just wrote. And it just hit me that its a coping mechanism. I mean its a genuine prayer and I really am writing directly to Christ but instead of actually changing I just write about how important is to change. This is really terrible ha. Sometimes it seems weird to me that I'm letting people into my life and my heart and my walk with Christ and learning how to be me, but I just keep trusting that God makes beautiful things out of our messes. And I tend to be a bit of a mess. But its holy. Thats the mystery.

(okay, back to prayer)

Alright, God, I'm going to keep working on prayer. I'm going to keep talking to you even when I look back and realize that was I was saying and thinking is ridiculous. Because I know that no matter how meager or small or distracted our prayers are they matter to you. And you, somehow, continue to paint beauty and yourself into our lives and prayer is part of that. Prayer is part of the dance. Take my heart, God. Take my impatience and my stress and all the ways I want to take your glory and keep it for myself . Because when you take my heart, you cherish it. And it is your love that allows me to want you to have the glory not me. Jesus talked about the guy who came and all he said was have mercy on me, I'm a sinner. Let that be me, God. Let me resist the urge to pray beautifully or fancifully or theologically and choose to pray simply and come humbly and touch your feet. And give me a heart not just for your feet but the feet of humans. The feet of the poor but also the feet of the rich and most of all the feet of equals. Which are hardest of all for me to love. Take this life and this heart and this prayer. Its yours.