crucified

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.

-Paul in the 2^nd chapter to the Galatians

That’s it. There is little else. There is little room to judge those in the church who aren’t living as Christ intended (me) to strive to be glorified for the work being done for the kingdom (me) to create full day planners and squeeze God into a spot (me). Paul says in 1 Corinthians “I die every day.”

Every day I wake up living life for myself. Every day I become very concerned with how God will use me that day, whether the day will be miraculous or worthwhile or significant, preferably all three. But that’s not what Jesus asked me to do. He said follow me to the cross and die with me, die all the way so that I can live through you. The cost is high. It costs us our life. It offers the only true life. It demands all our freedom but only he who dances to a rhythm superior to his own is free (that’s not mine). I’m still trying to make it about what I do and accomplish, still making it about the law, Christ died for no person. He died so I could come and die to. It demands the entirety of ourselves and our lives. Nothing less. Being led where we would really rather not go. Not humility like “oh you’re amazing,” “nah, its God” humility like you are humiliated by someone you love and you have the courage not to strike back.  

I read Paul’s words, a letter he wrote many years and years a go to a group of people stumbling through life after a guy named Jesus who told them everything they ever did and who loved them with his whole heart and who was and is the fullness of God. Who was life made manifest. I read it and I get that feeling that there is a deeper way of living that I am being invited to a costly, terribly beautiful life Jesus is beckoning me to. One that starts at the cross and returns to the cross every time I steal my life back. His love is enough. Really entirely enough.  Enough to stop caring so much about everyone and everything here.

God,

Here is my life. Giving it to you means I won’t work out so much because this is an earthly body and I know I am spiritually out of shape. It means I wont multitask you in and pray distractedly throughout the day. I think it most it means I will see people as your Beloved, the object of your utmost adoration. You counted them worthy to die. I will not try to prove that I am changed or spiritual or important I will be content being yours. I will not say college has been good because I love my school and city and friends, I will tell the truth that you’re taking my life by storm and you are more beautiful and present than I ever imagined. I will not continuously tear people apart in my mind while smiling at them. I will not choose everyone and everything over you. It means doing what I really don’t want to do. Loving the people I don’t really feel like loving at all.

God I write all this knowing that right now it is just words. But because it is to you, you can move mountains in my heart and my life. You have changed me. I can only go to the cross if you come with me. You already have. And you will every day. If I will. I’m sorry God for living apart from you, for letting hatred and disappoint and despair take root, for forgetting that there is one point and one only to be crucified with Christ. There are no options. The cross will take me all the way down. It’s everything.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. Let me say this a hundred times today and every day letting it seep in my soul until the mystery of what Paul was taking about begins to unfold in holy discontent with the way I am living.