not needing to be needed

I am consistently driven by wanting to be needed. I have an urge to lead but its still about power and wanting to do things so that I feel I am important and necessary and valuable. I want my life to matter. What if I actually wanted to build others to leadership? Why am I so afraid of them taking my spot? usurping my role? I want to people to do well, but not more than me. Still fighting for the top. Still not doing things in secret for Christ. Not really.
Jesus offered us into his family. Made us his hands and feet. Said you will do even more than I have. He said I have to die, so that you can have my Spirit. We have to die too. For people not worth dying for. Henri Nouwen says you have to seriously empty yourself to make room to put someone else in the center. That there is something deeply mysterious that happens when someone really listens to us. We feel unutterably loved. He said every time we truly pay attention to someone else we become emptier and the emptier we are the more healing space we have. To be quite honest, I have discovered that on my own, I sort of want people to fail. Not on the top level but deep inside. Its the competitiveness of being human. But that destroys me from the inside out. Our togetherness as the bride of christ, should be something so attractive that people see it and want it.
 There was a community of handicapped people in Rome that loved each other and called forth each others hidden talents. It was so beautiful that many healthy people joined them and were able to experience community as well.
When we know Jesus, the need to be needed and to lead and to be important can slowly dissolve and leave a healing place within us for others to be loved, to be central to us, to be made right. Maybe this is the healing the disciples offered. Not just diseases disappearing but a community where souls could be healed. Maybe thats why thousands were added to their number DAILY. As Pastor Tyler said, lets rise up.