comfortable together

Hey God,

I feel differently about you than I did a month ago. More comfortable maybe? I didn’t love you well this break. I didn’t love my family very well. I don’t have nearly as many beautiful words to say to you. I don’t have miraculous experiences to talk about. It was just really hard and you were here. Every day. No matter how much I sucked or the situation sucked or that I wasted my time or that I am a new creation in Christ but I didn’t know how to be that in this home. Its like obviously you love me when I am serving you and spending time with you and living for you but when I don’t feel like I’m helping anyone I feel like I’m just surviving you love me. You love me at my ugliest. I feel more like I can just hang out with you now it doesn’t have to be revolutionary or life changing it can just be us. Like if I watched TV you’d be someone I’d like to just watch TV with.  Someone who knows me so well, all the bad and the good and still likes hanging out with me. Where you can show up at the door of my heart and I can say, I don’t want you to see me like this. But you say, “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” It was just us so much this break. And not like, I’m going to spend my day diving into Christ. More like I’m going to be really sad and unable to pray or get into God and not loving and just want the day to be over and you were here the whole time. You looked at me and saw what I won’t show anyone else and you stayed. And you even thought I was beautiful.

That’s love.

There is nothing in me worthy of your love but that does not deter you. You just don’t care how much I suck or rock. I’ve been humbled. I realized that I am not needed and that I cant change anyone and that you are much much more important than I am. First semester was so lovely I was always slightly afraid it could be gone or not real. Afraid of what it would happen. Well, its true. Things that seem too good to be true just are. Except you. But even in you, life gets real tough. We experience deep struggle. And it can be entirely internal irrelevant of what is happening in our life. I guess what I have found is that even when I really don’t like myself, you still really like me. More than anyone ever will. And I can do great things or okay things or terrible things and you pursue me so hard regardless. It’s sort of like when the honeymoon phase ends in marriage and you discover there are all these things you don’t really like about the person and you’re stuck with them. That’s what I’m probably most scared of in marriage. Yeah, of course they will like me when I’m funny, lovely, joyful, bright. But what about when they discover that I’m really hard to be with and imperfect and dark? This would have been that time with us. But instead this is how you respond..

My delight is in you.

            You are an oak of righteousness

I have made you beautiful.

As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so I will rejoice in you.

(Isaiah 60 and 62)