oh, Jesus.

Discovering how little of my joy is in Christ.
Its a terrible realization.
So much manic happiness and busyness and being full and feeling like the spirit is at work in me and then when things start to get stripped away, I realize how little was actually founded in Christ.
I dont even have anything to do right now so I'm just going to sit here, though I'm begging for any distraction and let his presence come in.
The darkness comes sometimes when you least expect it. And you begin to wonder if anything you're doing matters at all, and you begin to ache for things that you know will bring pain not life, and everything you were acting as if you overcame you haven't at all, its just been patiently waiting for a weak point.
Its a really ugly time but there is some beauty. Because something in me knows that Christ is in this with me. And just that he sees me when no one else can. And its really lonely in a sense but Jesus is deeper. He cuts more to the heart. And just when things seem to good to be true..they are. And life is really hard. And sort of sucks. Not long term or anything but in this moment.
When you're living off of momentum and adrenaline, you cant get out of it easily. You just sort of crash.
It can change in a moment.
Jesus is more real here though then usual. Usually
I think I'm actually my own savior. I think I'm the healer.
He's the healer. I'm just a kid. But he's crazy about me. Even now.
I think that I have my life together but it unravels at a mind blowing rate.
I've got to remember what I'm doing it for.
Im writing for Jesus. Because I love Him. I'm not writing for other people to read it and like it or to get followers. I'm loving girls because He does. Not so that they change and grow and become Spirit led and Christ filled. I'm not pursuing my city because I think I can change it or I want to make a difference or it needs me. I am to be obedient. I'm not praying or getting into the word to gain knowledge or be spiritual or be honored, I'm doing it because God is worth my whole life. And he's going to lead me where I would rather not go. I would rather not have gone here tonight, to this place within me, because I hate being here. But its a place where healing and restoration starts, a place where bandages are removed so wounds can be re-evaluated, a place where Jesus went and goes with me. It sucks but its beautiful. I said break me. I asked him to do it. And I hate it when he does but he breaks us so he can mend us and we can learn that were never the healers, menders, reconcilers.
Its sort of like he's saying, we've got to take off the bandaids and look at the wounds and see where they are. And you've got to experience it and know that I have already overcome it. It has been overcome. And though it is dark, there is light. And you can see light better in the darkness then in false light. False light may seem promising and trustworthy but its not at all. It burns out.

(I'm pretty confident this post makes zero sense so if anyone is stirred by it, that would be the Spirit not my words. Never but especially tonight. I don't even want to post this. I have no idea what I just wrote and I really don't want to read it so I'm just going to post it.
Spirit, I beg you to move in our lives and spur us to you. Its all you.)