Sabbath

Sabbath is a treasure. I literally cannot believe how my heart is softened by having a morning just to spend with Christ and to be loved. Sit and be loved. Not because I did anything lovely but just because. It changes everything. In changes the yearning in me. Making it deeper for Christ and lessened for the affection and adoration of everything else. It is so satisfying. That feeling that I need not anything but Him. Its quite rare that I feel this way. I'm not sure why I neglect the sabbath. I think the more I come to obedience, which is still  very little, the more I see that God knows what is best for us. He didn't say have a sabbath just for fun but because he made us to need a sabbath and to need him just like we need water and food and rest and a million other things. My heart is so filled by Him right now. I was reading Jeremiah and I realized that the Scripture will not work in me until I understand the fullness of being written into the text. As in, I have  been written into every verse, as has Christ. In Jeremiah he talks about Israel being a whore, and thats me. I'm the whore. I have to understand the weight of being the whore before I can begin to stumble upon the fact that Christ became the whore that I may become the beloved. That he stripped himself of his robe of splendor and holiness and took on my grossness and god-rejecting, yearning for every other lover and put it on me. Dressed me in it. Leaving him naked. That is love. There is no love like that. It is that love that will create in me a love for people that does not demand their transformation or appreciation. It is a that love alone that will keep me from pursuing a path of servant-stardom where I pursue more and more serving to satisfy my need to be important and useful and worthwhile. The point is not to convert people to Christ. The point is to be so loved by Christ that we love people with everything we possibly can just because he does, not for a response. That we give a few people all of our heart and attention just because they are beautiful and broken. I struggle a lot with community. I have this strange thing about being an individual. Doing my own thing. But when you look at Jesus you realize that GOD HIMSELF did not keep his power to himself but shared it with his disciples that he put himself entirely on their level though he was their Lord. He was with them. In fullness. He didn't separate himself because he was there God. And he even said, you are going to do even greater things than me. Jesus came below our level that he could draw us up to his, dying that we may have his spirit. He entrusts us with the gospel, which is the most important thing in the entire universe and beyond. The most important thing in all of eternity. Thats crazy.

I think there is deep danger when I fail to recognize my own powerlessness. Pastor Tyler said to Jessie once that when you think you understand the mystery of the gospel is when you understand it the least. I usually think I understand it, but in the moments of full vulnerability when I realize how vast and glorious and mysterious and incomprehensible it is, I know that this place is so much safer than when I think I understand.

but here is the thing. I cannot see all these things in myself until I am resting safely in him. Because he loves me. And when he loves me, it becomes okay that I am not perfect. That, on the contrary, there is nothing good in me. Yet God has made me his tabernacle. Only when I am safe in this never-ending love that pulls me again and again from the depths of Sheol that I can see that I am a baby in Christ and I am selfish and I am very very broken. I can stop being so defensive. My mom will probably smile when she reads this because she knows that I am very defensive and very bad with criticism and can be very closed off and protective of my own sin. The only chance I have to not be that way is to dive into Christ who allows me to see the weight of my brokenness in the light of his love for me. I am becoming more broken and more beautiful. I think that is maybe what it looks like to know Jesus.

I think maybe the reason I like to squeeze God in and find it much easier to read books and hang out with girls and go on runs than come see him, is that I get so scared of what will happen when I really give him my heart. It is quite frightening. Sometimes even painful. Because the closer you get to the light, the less you can hide. Being bubbly and busy and smiley doesn't really work that well with a light that penetrates my soul. But in the fullness of myself, I realize that God loves all of it, not just the parts I like or reveal to everyone else. And that is so freeing. And then he invites me to dance. With my life. "Have eyes only for me, and I will take care of the rest." Jesus says.