Most Beautiful Weekend (and Probably Longest Post) ever

My pastor said something that resonated so deeply with my frustration with writing and expressing the way Jesus captures my heart and makes a melody with my life today by saying that when we talk about Jesus its like were lighting a match and hold ing it up to the sun in the middle of the day. Jesus is the sun and my words are the match. You cant see the match because of the utter brilliance of the sun (and really, the Son). I have absolutely nothing to add to his glory, no exhortation that is worthy of Him, no words to convey who He is and the miracles he creates every minute of every day.
 But I will write still, simply because I trust that God want to make something out of my love for him. That he will take these little words and stories and entries and do more with them than I ever imagined. Simply because he is that miraculous.
I just cannot wrap my mind around the love, God's love, for people in me. Its so much bigger than everything about me. I am so small compared to God's love for one single person. And God is making me fall deeply, entirely in love with people. I go downtown and love my homeless friends with more love than I've ever known and come back and have this crazy heart for my suite mates. And it goes on and on.
Its so clear how this unusually hard week was preparation for this beyond beautiful weekend. you must know, my dream was to live life with the homeless in college. I mean friends. People who I know their names and their stories and can just sit and hang out with them. And this weekend that has begun to be made manifest. I went to Moore Square friday night and met two men, Roy and Mike. I could write paragraphs just describing them, but if this is like a novel no one will read it haha, so please just ask me-in person or however, and we can talk for hours. But short story, Roy was sweet but distant and Mike was straight up mad we were there and sick of "do gooders" always trying to help the homeless. I invited them to Help Portrait Raleigh after talking with them for maybe an hour. The next day, Help Portrait Raleigh, was literally like a pocket of pure heaven on earth. We were taking professional portraits of poor individuals and families and it was just incredible to cherish the people who came. They get offered food and clothes everywhere, but rarely do they have hair and make up done, professional shots taken, people exclaiming how gorgeous they are, and just feeling beautiful. Hearts melted at Portrait Raleigh. It was ONE community, that is what is so crucial and so distinct. It was not one group of church people handing something to a group of homeless people, it was all of us having this huge picture taking party, talking laughing, eating together. It was experiencing in ourselves the way God feels about these people we ALL are guilty of ignoring and disdaining. Just a million little things: first family portraits, couples getting a picture together, peoples first picture with Santa at 50 or 60 years old. The fact that people stayed for hours after they were done just because they were welcome and it was a lovely environment. Serving, but without barriers. Without prosperity gaps. Watching women find themselves beautiful. Parents getting portraits to give to their children for Christmas. People who we don't make eye contact with the center of attention. A man praying for lunch, never dreaming of a feast with friends. Going around, inviting people, and then waking with them, because its really scary to go unfamiliar places on your own. opening peoples pictures with them and seeing there child-like, sheer delight at their photo. Then, when I literally could not see the day going more up, Mike and Roy walk in. It was like Christmas seeing those two guys come through the door. I ran and gave them big hugs and I had another opportunity to probe through the barriers searching for his heart. Seeing it there all along. Taking a picture, the three of us. Roy and I just sitting together for at least an hour..sometimes talking sometimes not. Just friends. Really friends.
I know this is going on forever, but then today after church Ansilta and I decided to go back to Moore Square. And it was today that I saw how Portrait Raleigh was so much bigger than I ever imagined. It was a connection we now have with this community. A real connection. This is such a treasure. To go and be able to talk and share stories about yesterday, and to come back today just to show, this wasn't a one day thing. It was the door opener. Now, I can go and just hang out because we know each other. I didn't see my guys but I got to talk to some different people from yesterday and learn more about who this community is. Talking to a guy who said that the surplus of food and clothes makes it so people never have to work. Just being humbled that they are willing to let us sit with them, two girls who know nothing, who have everything, just sit. Nothing to offer. Just coming to learn. To love. To listen. So satisfied with the day and only a little bummed that I didn't get to see my guys, and then I look up and Roy is waking towards me. He looks just like Jesus. Seriously. Jesus was not even joking around when he said being with the poor and the homeless is being with Him. If you want to know Jesus better, get to the streets. Jesus is all over the streets. I can't even describe it. And then Mike was there too. And we sat with them for probably another hour. Talking about our families, where we are from, God, favorite books. And Mike everyday starts of skeptical, harsh and mad and I mean he has such good reasons. He had a family. He had a job. He's white. He sleeps alone outside rather than in shelters. He's extremely smart. This sort of thing shouldn't have happened to him. His biting comments sting. They're meant to. But the longer we talk, the more I treasure him, hearing about his kids, how he taught them the constellations on family camping trips...My words aren't adequate. But by the time we left, you could see he was secretly sad we were leaving. He told us to tell our parents we loved them. He's right-mom, dad, I love you. I do not say that enough. I love you.
You know I rest my fingers and I just feel Jesus whispering in my heart. you poured it all out, love. Its enough. he is enough for me. And I am enough for him. Its just..overwhelming. I did nothing to deserve a life this beautiful and holy. I can't believe that Jesus loves me so much and that this is who he is. And that not only can I, but he wants me to pour all of my life first into him, and through that, inevitably, inot loving people. Loving people who are not loved by the world. And showing me what they mean to him.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever."
only God could have words written two thousand years ago in the hand of Paul that describe my heart better than I ever could have.