take my heart

Jesus,

Lives of quiet desperation. They are everywhere, love. Slow starvation. Light dimming in the eyes. Its terrifying. The temptation is to do everything to keep myself from realizing the desperation. To tell myself that I'm mistaken. Its not too much for you.
 You are light. You are life made manifest. Salvation spoken into being. I think, Jesus, that life is really tough because I was made for fellowship with you and I'm just not there. Well, I'll never be fully there until I am with you but I am not seeking fully after your heart. I know Jesus that what you would love for me to do is slow down. I'm not sure why my pace is fast and panicky. When I come to the living water, I think maybe it would be nice to stay awhile. When I get into the Word, maybe just savor it one verse at a time, pondering it, romancing it, letting it settle deep in me. Productivity is suffocating me-I'm so inclined to it. Like I have this idea that the more of the bible I read, the better that is. But you are not looking for me to master the text like its a class I want an A in. Its for us to fall in love and interact and for you to speak softly and tell me the things in my life that you know are killing me so that I can put more of myself into your heart. I'm supposed to let it master me. Break me then build me from the ground up. I have this sense of grandiose service of changing cities and countries and the world. Of changing lives upon lives. Feeding thousands. That is not the point and it is not your way. You invested in living life with people. Just a couple. Hanging out. Joking around. Building their strengths. Recognizing the God image in them. You are calling me to the same. your heart beats to a different rhythm then anything I know. But I am here to know your heart. And it is to my heart that you call. Show me Lord how to make these thoughts my life, not just learning or writing or concepts or ideas. Not just words. Take my heart captive to yourself.