our fellowship is with the Father

I just keep tearing people down. And I think maybe thats why I'm having so much trouble being close to God. Because we both know that I am not loving those He adores. There is numb sort of satisfaction to not loving people all that much but compared to the sweetness of Christ I have no idea why I continue to return to this well of poison or why I am so critical. And a lot of people might say don't you think thats a little extreme? WE all judge, we all snicker, we all gossip. Its normal. Well, its killing me. I didn't even realize it, it didn't hit me hard until this morning as I read through first john. Its almost like trying to connect with someone but bashing their wife. Because God said I have betrothed you to me in righteousness and he was not just talking about nice people, or attractive people, but creation. This is one of those things that I know very well on an intellectual level but my heart is just starting to taste truth. But when your heart is sore you just don't really want to love anyone and risk it getting even more bruised. But God will take my heart and hold it perfectly and I can really entrust it to him and then I can love people shamelessly and recklessly.
I just want to learn not to fear openness. Its so easy to pretend and talk about Jesus and do Jesus-y things and no one will even know whats going on. So easy just to kind of go with the flow and ignore that awful sense deep in your stomach that there is something very not right with the life I'm living, we are living.

God is light, in him there is no darkness at all. Nothing kept hidden. All exposed. So bright and brilliant it hurts. Thats so foreign..God, take me there.
you are Light, you are Love, you are everything I am not and yet I have been chosen and called since the beginning of time. Just because of you not because of me. And until I know your love and your presence and how you feel about me, I wont know how to love other people.

I love that. You're not like, keep trying. Love harder. Do more. Stop judging. Be better, for goodness sake. No. You are like, come here. Come here and let me love you. Let me love you the way your heart demands and your soul is starving for and then you will not be able to NOT love others. It simply won't be an option. Thats all I ask of you. That you let me love you.