(okay, ha, I wrote this earlier this weekend and forgot to post it-I think-so I'm just posting it now)

God,

I was with Jessie yesterday and  she was driving me to Hunter when we realized they had early release and we were both secretly a little excited that we could spend more time together. And this morning when I got a text I would be picked up later I realized that you maybe felt the same way. So happy, that you have a few more precious moments of me all to yourself. That’s who you are. You want to cherish me.  You love when I give you time. And I think I’m giving you all of my time because I do love you like crazy and I do want to give you all of my life, but there is still this thing where I spend so much time doing, doing, doing and you are like “can we just hang out? I just want to love you. I want to show you what love is. All this busyness is yours, honey. Its not mine. I just want your heart. I’ll teach you how to dance. I’ll teach you how to pray. My love is constant, for you it is beyond comprehension, but I would love for you to live like Jesus. The One who went to a different town when people told him to stay, who ignored his disciples, who spent nights in the mountains and mornings with me. Don’t you see? He couldn’t bear to be apart from me. No satisfaction of a good speech or eager crowd or awed disciples compared to the depth and height and breadth of KNOWING me. Because he knew they would turn. He knew that these people, whom he loved enough to die, would never satisfy him. Saving them wasn’t the point. Loving me was and is and always will be the point. Loving me involves giving up all of your life. Living me will let me love them in you. Don’t take offense darling but my love is better than yours. I know each of those girls you love on. I love that you are doing so but come to me, lean into me, dissolve into me that I can love them instead. My love is what is different. Its what is not found on earth.

God I lift up to you the girls you are going to entrust to me.  Perhaps more so I lift up clenched hands for you to gently open because I want to keep them to myself. I want to be a Savior sometimes. Sometimes I just want something to  lay at your feet. But you want me at your feet not all these things I’m piling up. Lord, will I ever lose this huge urge to be significant and productive and important? Will I ever know in my heart that knowing your heart is far better? I just love you, dear Jesus.  That’s what has made these months the best of my life…knowing you. Writing to you, talking about you, being loved and pouring love that is yours on people. Talking about you because you are what made my day right. Seeing that you are better than everything else I’ve turned to for so long. Reading my journal God was strange because the entries were so beautiful. Stunning encounters with you. Yet, I did not know you well. I was so hurt, so desperate, so sad and anxious. And the two seem so contradictory. How could it be? I think I needed to be stripped of a whole lot before I could find you for real. Because when there is a choice between you and Rob my humanness sent me to him. When there is no choice, you. I came here purposeless essentially. No one needing me, no work to do.
There is a constant push in me to be needed. To be important to people. To be necessary. And I am not. You are.