I’ve come to the other end of my day. Its Sunday night. I’m home alone, and its time to come to my God and meet with him. Though it is Sunday, though it has been full of the Lord, since this morning I have little time just us. And I look over this day and this week and what I have learned and what I have to be THANKFUL for. I am thankful for a girl named Katie who adopted 13 girls and lives in Uganda. She’s 22, and she’s my hero. Not even because of the adoption but because of her adoration for Christ. I found her blog: kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com and its changing me. I am thankful for Jesus Christ and his love for Raleigh North Carolina and that there is a church named Vintage 21 where He is changing me and there is a church named Tapestry and He is changing me and there is a girl named Takya and she is changing me because she was happy to see me today. I am thankful for the orphans and the sons and daughters in Port au Prince Haiti whose pictures I taped on my prayer wall over my bed who I could never get out of my heart, who I want to see again, ones I knew well and ones I barely know at all and all ones that God knows fully and perfectly. And I am thankful for a God that calls me beautiful when I do not feel beautiful and when I do not even want to be called that because I like the safety of my aloneness. And I am very very thankful for a weekend spent with 44 sophomores in college who are each very intelligent and each very high achieving and each very very loved by a Savior and desperate for more life and life to the full even though I don’t want to be called to college kids because I am one I am called to them because I am one. And I love the fact that jesus wants me. He wants me right now and he wants me always. Always, always. And he doesn’t need by intellectual capacity, my work, my praise and he doesn’t want me for anything I have to give he just wants me. Because I was made to be wanted by Him. I was made to be loved by him because being loved by God is how we glorify God and we were made to glorify him.
I am so tempted and eager to believe I am called anywhere but here, to any life but this one and any people but these. None of it is true. I am here for a purpose and that is to love my Savior and to make his name known and to let light burst forth and to invite and encourage and beg others to join me in pursuit of Him. And he is making me a part of the redemption of this city and this college and this community that he loves so much. And if there is somewhere else he’d like me to be, he is going to make it known to me. He will show the way if I say, “here I am, send me.” But no matter where I am sent it will be the same-this business of loving jesus and loving people-letting him love people through me- and that is going to be hard and feel not right and feel like it would be better somewhere else EVERYWHERE I go. Because it is always hard and always beautiful to follow Christ. Hard because were human and beautiful because He Loves.
And I get excited when I write because I remember how very good he is. that he is more than enough for me, just as himself. I don’t need to be entrusted with ANYTHING and he is enough. And YET he has entrusted me with MUCH. So, so much. So many little lives he lets me be a part of. So many adults, kids, students. So many classes. So many moments I can surrender to him. So many people I can love.
Jesus,
I want all the focus on you. I want to be where you are and where you want me. If you want me in Africa, if you want me in Raleigh, if you want me in DC, as long as my home is one that people can come into where jesus Christ is glorified and proclaimed as king, where the poor are no longer the poor and where I am very poor where there are lots and lots of girls, then that is what I want lord. If you say go to academia, then I will go. If you say go back to Haiti, I’ll go there. It matters not. You know. You are sure. I am not. Sure of anything. I am just the grace consumer. That’s my role in all this. Consumer of grace. Pray-er. Make me more of a pray-er. That prayer is like breath. That this writing thing happens all the time ten times a day I write my heart to you. That I speak to you. That I praise you. That I fall for you over and over again. It is always lovely to remember that I have found what I was made for and that is you.
I just want to know you and love you and hope that by our love your name will spread across the earth. And know that my significance is not by any means the most important thing. In fact, it is the least important. What is important is running to you and getting caught up in you and loving you. Loving and loving and loving you. As hard as I possibly can. And just going where you are. Where you are is where I want to be. I love you so much lord. I come away from you and I come back and I think true life is here in your arms. You have the best arms I’ve ever known.
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