Your Steadfast Love is Better than Life

Because your love, O Lord, is better than life. 
I sit in Global Village, with a third of a latte left.
Once scalding, now luke warm.
I've been here for almost an hour already,
frustrated. hardened. self condemning.
Just now my soul is beginning to quiet down.
To take in the presence of the Divine.
Bless the Lord, O my soul.
It takes some of us a long time to quiet our souls.
I am one of those.
Anxious. Turbulent. Questioning. Whether this is in fact where I should be.
Where else would I be?
I think back to the deep things whispered into me
early, early this morning from the Word itself.
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. 

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence for my hope is from him. 

Hm. Is this meant to convict? I think of that incessant drive I so often write of, that plagued me even today. As I long to fill my time, instead of being led by the spirit. I know where life is found. In Christ alone. But I don't know. I'm such a wrestler inside. And I am terrified that this Love I proclaim verbally my heart is still against. And I know its true. I know it by the things that make me happy, how I pursue full days and let my love for the lord depend on what people he brings into my life, what purpose he gives me or I give myself because purpose is the idol I bow to. Its selfish at the core, not a pure motive.

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. 

My rock, my fortress, my salvation-its myself and what I am able to do. Therefore, its constantly torn out from under me, leaving me worn out and hurt and unworthy by own proclamation of worth. If the day is full, O lord, you are my rock and my salvation-The rock there is a filled day, a meaningful life...not Jesus Christ.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you. 
the next psalm reads.
What I do I earnestly seek?
My righteousness based on my works.
Not Christ.
Where is my righteousness?
Christ.
He himself is my righteousness.